I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
