omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
