Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Randomize
