Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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