Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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