Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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