last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
