I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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