I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
This baby is an asshole
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The uberlube is also flammable
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
