I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
