The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she peed on how many people?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
