Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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