He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
this beer tastes like vomit already
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
