my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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