Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I AM VODKA MAN
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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