Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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