There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
