I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
