She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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