Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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