Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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