So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
