she woke up with a sticky ear
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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