hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I didn't notice because vodka
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
