yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
