if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
