ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
