I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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