He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
