chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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