Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
