and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
