he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
