my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
