I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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