I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
