went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
