Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
