I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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