Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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