My cat gives me a boner
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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