I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
