you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
