yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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