You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
