i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
