Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
