you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
