Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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