My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
